Gaslighting: What it is and How to Tell if it’s Happening to You
Have you ever felt convinced that you were crazy? Maybe you saw your partner texting his ex (or another persona non grata) right in front of you, then when you confront him, he has deleted the text thread and told you it never happened? Or perhaps your boss continually claims you are not meeting the goals you have been crushing, and bringing in others on a campaign to discredit you? This is gaslighting. A gaslighter’s modus operandi is to make their victim question their perceptions. They might blatantly deny what you know to be true, withhold information, refuse to address valid questions, or verbally abuse you through jokes, name-calling or confusing statements meant to undermine your confidence in yourself and your thought processes.
Intentional gaslighting is a form of abuse. In romantic relationships, it often leads to feelings of anxiety and even clinical depression in the victim. Because the abuser has often discredited and minimized the victim’s concerns so many times, it gets harder for the victim to trust their perception of reality, and even harder for the victim to reach out for help. The victim may adjust to a “creeping normality,” of abuse, where the shift is slow and insidious. In fact, the term “gaslighting” originated from the play-turned-movie, Gaslight. In it, a woman is convinced that the gas-fueled lights in her home are getting dimmer whenever her husband turns the attic lights on, (he’s up there doing some shady sh*t). The wife asks if the lights seem to be getting dimmer, but he convinces her she is imagining the change and she eventually starts to believe she is delusional.
Ingrid Bergman in the 1944 film “Gaslight.” Photo: MGM
Red Flags: The Language of Gaslighting
Gaslighting often takes a few forms. The abuser may hide information from the victim to cover up what they have done. Instead of feeling ashamed or taking responsibility for a mistake, they may convince the victim to second guess their own beliefs about the situation and turn the blame on themselves. Look for phrases like: “I only lied because I had to avoid your reaction. I knew you would go crazy,” or “Why do you keep obsessing over this problem? You’re overreacting,” or simply, “Nothing happened,” despite clear evidence that a mistake or deception has taken place.
The abuser may also try to make the victim feel small. They will discredit your beliefs, your reactions, and your perceptions to convince you that you’re not good enough or simply going insane. The most evident form of this is name-calling: telling you that you are stupid, psychotic, pathetic, and using other words that undermine your worth. Look for phrases like: “You’re acting crazy,” or “You’re being way too sensitive,” or “None of my friends’ wives/husbands care about this (insert harmful behavior).” The clear message here is: your thoughts and feelings do not matter, and nobody else will love you for having these (often valid) concerns or reactions.
It is also common to see isolation used as a tactic in gaslighting and other forms of abuse. The gaslighter often takes pleasure in knowing they have control over their victims, and seclusion makes their manipulation easier. They may exert economic control of the household if they can. They may smear or discredit the victims’ friends and family by spreading false information about them so that the abused cannot easily gain outside support. They may convince their victims that they are their only ally. Look for behaviors like the abuser reaching out to your friends/family members in an inappropriate way (making advances on them or sending them inappropriate content via social media, text, etc.), then telling you it was the other person who initiated. Any behavior that causes you to lose trust in the friend/family member ensures that you will have one less member of your support system to turn to in a time of need.
How to Respond
A common pitfall many victims fall into is trying to help their abuser. They may see some good or some pain in their abuser and hope that with enough encouragement and support, the abuser may improve and become a loving person. Unfortunately, we cannot force people to do change. An abuser will only get better if they make the choice to grow and heal.
Victims must learn to attend to themselves first. They can start by writing things down—often seeing the disconcerting behavior and resulting confusion on paper reveals patterns. They can also reach out for support—for trusted others to validate their reality. Checking in with feelings and body sensations might also shed light on what’s really going on—sometimes an inexplicable stomach ache, chest tightness, an elevated heart rate, and other mystery symptoms are indicative of a highly activated nervous system that is not feeling safe. Notice when these sensations or unsettling emotions arise and see if you can attribute any of them to stressors related to someone in your life.
A Take Home Message
Gaslighting is pretty scary stuff. Yet it is not just a tactic used by sociopaths and narcissists—you might be guilty of manipulating others yourself, without realizing the impact it can have on someone you love. Sometimes gaslighting is a behavior we learned from an abuser at a young age and later utilize to protect ourselves from perceived weakness or shame. We all have light and dark within us, but we all have an opportunity to change. Whether you are noticing yourself gaslighting others to get your way, or you’re on the soul-crushing receiving end of this treatment, we have choice in how we move forward. Choose wisely.
Crystle Lampitt, LMSW
