Detecting and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
“Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you.”
The term “narcissist" is being thrown around a lot these days. But what does it actually mean? The standard Oxford definition is “a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.” In a clinical context, narcissistic personality disorder or NPD is a rare mental condition marked by an exaggerated sense of self-importance, grandiosity, lack of empathy, and a pathological need for attention. This type of narcissism goes beyond a general self-centeredness and presents as a total disregard for others, or as disingenuous interactions and attunement to others only if it is perceived as relevant to the narcissist.
I like to think of narcissism on a spectrum; we all have narcissistic qualities, it is when those tendencies impair our work, relationships, finances, and general functioning that there is cause for concern—namely, for the victims of the narcissist. Narcissists tend to leave a path of destruction, but are unaware that they have a problem, so they usually do not seek treatment. In a sense, narcissists are addicts; they are addicted to their supply (family members, romantic partners), to provide them with validation and emotional self-regulation as they are unable to regulate themselves. It is usually easier for the narcissist to blame and rage at those closest to them than to admit to or address underlying feelings of inadequacy, imperfection, and insecurity.
Narcissistic abuse is one of the most insidious forms of domestic violence, as abusers are typically charming, attractive, and able to morph into whatever personality is needed for them to get what they want. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it is likely near impossible to describe to others what you are experiencing: the crazymaking, the gaslighting, the emotional and psychological manipulation, the questioning of reality, and sometimes even physical abuse.
The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse is very similar to the standard Cycle of Abuse in most domestic violence situations, with a tension-building phase, an abusive incident, a honeymoon phase, and intermittent periods of calm. There are, however, some distinctions:
1. A relationship with a narcissist often starts with the Idealization stage, or love-bombing. Expect to receive gifts, favors, “center-of-the-universe” attention, and proclamations of love and commitment (often very early in dating).
2. At some point something will happen: the mask will slip for a second and you’ll see a different side of this person. You may catch them in a lie, notice incongruence between their words and actions, inconsistency in their availability, or you may see them acting differently around different people— like pretending to be nice to someone’s face then turning around and insulting them. In this Transition phase, you might call them out on their behavior or set a boundary to protect yourself. This will not be well-received.
3. Instead of considering your feelings or concerns, the narcissist will then enter the Devaluing stage. Get ready for some serious pain here. A narcissist’s primary line of defense is flipping the script: blaming you for all the problems of the relationship, criticizing you and knocking down your self-worth, degrading or embarrassing you, and often using triangulation to make sure you feel crazy or replaceable (“None of my previous partners/friends’ wives care that they ‘harmlessly’ flirt with other people and stay out all night drinking.”). Regardless of whether their statements about others are true or not, the motivation behind them is to manipulate you and devalue your thoughts and feelings. Look for phrases like, “You’re being way too sensitive/crazy/controlling, etc.” This is where manipulation to get you to question your reality often sets in, a.k.a. gaslighting. For more on gaslighting, refer to my other blog post.
4. The relationship will often reach a breaking point, at which time another Transition stage will commence. During this time, you may either set terminal boundaries like leaving the relationship and going no-contact, or you may get sucked back into the madness by the narcissist’s skilled “hoovering.” This stage can be characterized by honeymooning behaviors like apologies, promises to change, and sometimes even steps toward change—like getting help for a drinking problem, or reading a self-help book you’ve asked them to consider in the past. It’s important to look for the motivation behind the behavior here: if the abuser is using “recovery” milestones and actions as a way to impress you and keep in touch with you, it is likely they are not truly in recovery. If they respect your space and take a significant amount of time to focus on growth, there is a chance true change may happen. However, because there is always someone willing to deal with the narcissist’s antics, most do not change. If you are lucky during this stage, the narcissist will discard you in favor of a new supply, and you will seek support and begin to unravel why you chose to be with a narcissist in the first place (see topics: trauma bonding, codependence, adverse childhood experiences).
Signs You are in a Relationship with a Narcissist
Narcissists often do not see lying or manipulation as damaging behaviors. They may even convince themselves that they are doing what’s best for all involved—the grandiosity of playing God clouds the fact that being dishonest makes it difficult for their victim to make decisions that will support their autonomy, wellbeing, and sheer sanity. The lack of empathy particular to narcissists makes it very easy for them to continue living their lives with little regard for your discomfort. You will likely notice a general sense of uneasiness as the reality of the relationship makes itself known.
Some signs that you are in a relationship with a narcissist are:
1. You walk on eggshells around your partner.
2. You feel the need to voice/video record your conversations because your partner keeps discounting your reality.
3. You’re hyper-vigilant for signs that a violent outburst might happen (i.e. trying to detect how much your partner has had to drink, avoiding him/her when drunk).
4. Frequently wondering if your partner is telling the truth (actions don’t match words, evidence of lying)
5. Being told you are crazy, having your pain minimized or dismissed
6. Being name-called, yelled at, threatened, and told things like “You’ll never amount to anything.”
7. Experiencing intimidation and fear (i.e. your partner throwing things, ripping up/destroying your possessions)
8. Fearing for your safety but feeling too ashamed to share with others
9. Feelings of isolation, especially when sharing your experiences with others and being met with blank stares or confusion
10. Regularly being hurt physically, emotionally, psychologically even when you’ve asked for certain behaviors to stop
11. Mysterious physical symptoms or autoimmune disorders flaring up, onset of panic attacks, anxiety, and depression, unexplained stomach aches
12. Frequently feeling tricked, taken advantage of, resentful, and confused
Take an inventory of your experiences and any other feelings of discomfort and begin to write them down. Document what was said during arguments so that you can no longer ignore the issues at hand the next morning if the narcissist enters the honeymooning stage. Tell a trusted friend, therapist, or any other safe person the truth of what is happening when you feel safe enough to do so. Do not ignore your intuition.
Now What?
Poet Rupi Kaur said, “Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you.” The only way to regain your sense of self is to disconnect from the narcissist. You cannot heal in an unsafe environment. Sometimes finding yourself in an abusive relationship is like entering a room with a bad smell. At first you notice the smell and may even call it out or try to rectify it. Over time you get used to it. After months or years, you may not recognize yourself anymore. Only when you get out of the room, can you start to look back and truly see how trapped and miserable that environment was making you. Some victims of narcissistic abuse find themselves in 20-year-long relationships, remembering the good old days of the first few months of the relationship, waiting for that person to come back! They remember a person they think existed, but who is now showing up as a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. Healing starts by removing the threat. You must remove yourself from the physical presence of the narcissist and go no-contact or minimal contact if absolutely necessary (if kids are involved, for example).
In the case of minimal contact, it’s important to manage your expectations. Know that this person may try to hoover you back in to the relationship, and if they can’t, they will likely never exhibit basic levels of empathy, cooperation, and understanding in your interactions, so avoid trying to fix them or fight back. The “Gray Rock” method works well here. Literally envision yourself as a boring, reactionless, gray rock that is unperturbable. Set clear boundaries around your interactions with the narcissist—for example, what are appropriate topics to communicate with each other about (like picking up and dropping off kids), how long your interactions will be, and how you will deal with emotional upheaval caused by these interactions.
A recovery technique called “bookending” may also help here. In the case of a particularly difficult separation, for example, when a court appearance is required, meeting with your support system (friends, family, therapist, etc.) before and after the court appearance can help protect you from the confusing, draining, and frustrating effects of dealing with a narcissist. These should be safe, trusted people who can help you get grounded back into reality and remind you of the pain you endured so that you do not fall for the tricks of the narcissist.
Signs of Healing
Recovery and healing look different for everyone. It may take several weeks of no-contact for you to start to feel relief. The level of communication with the narcissist and your consistency in holding boundaries will impact your ability to move on with your life. Further, it’s important to look for other narcissists in your life, as there is/was likely one around before you met your narcissistic partner. Similar boundaries may apply to them. However, you will know you are healing when you start to feel safer and more at ease. Here are some signs that you may be healing from narcissistic abuse:
1. You feel “lighter” literally and figuratively. For some this means their heart feels unburdened, and/or they may literally lose weight—usually a goal they were unable to achieve while in a relationship with the narcissist, sometimes due to high stress levels, emotional eating or other coping mechanisms. (Note: it is also common to lose weight after any break up due to the traumatic nature of loss. It is important to check in with yourself and/or your doctor to assure that any weight loss is occurring at healthy levels.)
2. You smile, genuinely, sometimes for no reason.
3. You feel a sense of relief.
4. Some chronic physical symptoms may begin to alleviate (joint pain, stomach aches, headaches, and autoimmune disease flare-ups may reduce in frequency and severity)
5. You are better able to concentrate and be present.
6. Healthy habits you’ve forgotten about or put on hold come back or seem more appealing (mindfulness practices, exercise, the motivation to cook healthy meals, etc.)
7. You feel more connected to your inner world, and less like you need to escape or distract yourself from problems.
8. You do not spend your waking hours obsessing and worrying about your partner.
A Take Home Message
Being in a relationship with a narcissist essentially keeps your sympathetic nervous system activated. You may feel like you are constantly in “flight, flight, or freeze” mode. When you create some distance from the narcissist, you allow your parasympathetic nervous system to kick in to generate a calmer, “rest and digest” response. Many gastrointestinal issues resolve once the body feels like it is safe.
Whatever you do, try not to fall into the trap of attempting to change narcissists or hoping they will get better. That is not your job. Instead, commit to and accept reality. As Maya Angelou says, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Crystle Lampitt, LMSW
